Check Yes [ ] or No [ ]

Have you ever had one of those experiences where you’re just not sure what you’re supposed to be feeling? I’m having one of those right now. Joel is engaged. It’s been two and a half years since we broke up on the one hand and I’d better be well over him, but on the other, this is the guy I thought was The One, my match, my mate. So I’m torn. Should I be feeling devastated? Sad? Angry? Happy, for crying out loud? I might feel a little angry, but nothing else. Not sad, not happy, perhaps a little resigned. I just finished a music video of him, simply because I’d started it and needed to get it done, and as I sat there looking at the pictures it was like looking into the face of a stranger. How does that happen? I mean, I know this guy (somehow I don’t think he’s changed in fundamentals) intimately, I know his face almost better than my own, and yet, he is no one I know. It’s as though that year and four months never happened, even though I have the scars to prove they did, and now his is a face that I recognize but with which I have no connection. I must admit that there is still the shadow of sorrow for what might have been, for a love that wasn’t enough (ohhhh, bitterness!), for a friendship that could have been forever. *sits in silence* Is it too much to hope that I have finally started to heal? That after two and a half years, I might really be able to view my life in my own terms rather than in terms of Joel? I can hope, because I’m not crying, I’m not screaming, I’m not comatose. As Lisa Loeb is singing “The drone in your voice and the fly on the wall/said it’s over, it’s over, it’s over, it is/And what do I wish for you/what do I wish?/It’s over, it is.”

CSI’s Space Oddity

LOVED this episode! It is so nice to have one of their quirky episodes rather than all the time serious. And it’s always good to see the lab folks. One thing I’m not so thrilled with is how the rest of the cast treats the pseudo-Trekkies and their culture with disdain. In the days of Grissom, we saw many different sub-cultures (remember the Furries?) and while there was ookiness expressed, I don’t feel like there was the same level of contempt that I felt in this episode. Which, I need to say, I thought was hilarious, even with Nicky and Greg’s snobbery. I was actually surprised at Greg; considering some of the other things he’s been into, it was sad that his character was so…. meh, compared with the old Greg who danced around with gloves on his head. The side fantasies from Hodges are wonderful and it was enjoyable to see the fun part of CSI again. Just wish it happened more often!

PS  Oh yes, and there was the cameo by Mike Newton from Twilight.  Priceless!  Especially in his atrocious hairpiece!!

Season Two Episode One

I have to admit that I’m having some difficulty with the direction Jericho is taking/took (I keep forgetting how far behind I am).  I guess I got used to the more “intimate” problems of the town when it was cut off and, although I realize that inter-community violence would be a given, it seems to me that in the first season they skipped a lot of time that could have been used to expand on characters and plots rather than rushing into New Bern like they did.  As it is, there are several characters that they took the time to get us involved with that are suddenly off the radar…. at least as of episode one of season two *looks shifty*  Yes, perhaps I need to watch more before making my judgement calls.  Man, I wish I could share this blog and my commentary with my cousin Kevin.  Oh wait, that’s what Facebook is for!  I think I’m going to take a break and go watch the episode of CSI I’ve been hearing so much about.

Episode 20

Argh! Dramas! Why do I watch them! I think the problem I’m developing is that the behavior of the people is all too real. I wish I could believe that humanity was inherently decent or something like that, but we just aren’t. Maybe it’s the instinct for self-preservation, maybe it’s inherent selfishness. I don’t know.

I’ve been thinking about what I would do in a nuclear disaster. My hometown is actually well-located in terms of fall out patterns. We have (had in the past at least) decent agricultural land, water, and game. I’m torn between holing up at my parents’ house and heading east into the high desert. I KNOW I’m totally unprepared for any sort of disaster, much less a far-reaching one of the kind shown in Jericho, but perhaps it’s good that I even contemplate the possibility. What’s the saying? “Even a paranoid has real enemies”?

2.5 mg

I’ve dropped my dosage down from 5mg to 2.5mg a day. At this point, my dosage is so minimal that I don’t see how it can be helping/hurting, but I’ve been so zombie-like in the mornings and so depressed that I’m going to try taking less to see what happens. It’s so frustrating to have been diagnosed, thrown onto a medication, and then to lose my insurance/ability to receive treatment/option for other medication. I keep thinking that I might be better off just coming off Abilify completely. These past few months have been so completely miserable that I’m honestly amazed that I’ve made it through without a nervous breakdown or something. How do people survive years of this? It’s insane!

Pi Day musings

Today is Pi Day, 3.14, a geeky holiday if ever there was one. I’ve always managed to miss “celebrating” Pi Day, but today West Coast Live reminded me! Yay!

Today I’ve been missing my best friend and my boyfriend, both gone from my life, neither really retrievable. You’d think that after two and a half years I’d be done with the boyfriend and that since the decision to end the friendship was mine I wouldn’t be having hang-ups, but I’m not and I do.

I miss the people. I miss Joel’s comforting presence and his gentleness, and even his fanaticism. I miss Maranda’s solidity and willingness to back me and quirky sense of humor. And I miss the sense that there is someone who really, really cares about me. I mean, I realize my parents and close friends care, but there’s a void in my life where Maranda and Joel used to be, where my Nan-chan used to be, where I had people close to me consistently. Living alone has its perks, but one of the definite cons is that I live in isolation, really, my life only distantly related to someone else’s. I have friends, close friends in some cases, but no one that I call every week, much less every day. I sent a package to Nan today, but I can’t tell the other two that I miss them. But I do, no matter what I’ve said or done, I do miss them.

Anxiety II

You know, it’s a little hard to tell if your meds are causing your anxiety or not when you’re in danger of being laid off. My shrink was wanting me to go on Xanax, but the nice lady at the Community Health Center doesn’t want to prescribe it since apparently it’s highly addictive! Instead, I need to start walking at least four days a week, since that seems to take the edge off the anxiety. I’m starting to think I just need to come off my meds completely, although since I just got qualified for the patient assistance program…. And I’m so sleepy it’s hard to think, evn with nine hours sleep last night! Will this NEVER END??? Seriously, it’s like one things goes away and then there’s another problem. Money, moods, meds, relationships, religion, just ack! And I don’t know what to do about the job situation, since there aren’t exactly loads of jobs out there waiting to be discovered.

Yes!!

I just got my acceptance letter from the Bristol-Myers Squibb Patient Assistance Program!! I can afford my medication! I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday and I’m going to ask for a prescription for Zanax (sp?) just in case the anxiety starts spiking again, but it is such a relief to know that I can start working on getting my medications to the correct level. My anxiety is letting up somewhat, but the constant stress of NOT having enough work to do is definitely messing with my moods. Not to mention, when is it going to be spring already??? I can’t believe I’m actually yearning for summer! This may be a first in my life.

Uuuuuuuuuuugh

Sorry about the lack of posting, but one of the side effects of either the lower level of meds or of the meds themselves is the fact that I am going CRAZY! I think that if I could have my nice doctor back, things would be much, much better, but at this point I’m kinda running blind. After my horrendous anxiety attacks last month, my interim doctor dropped me down to 5mg, but the message my psychiatrist left on my phone last night says she thinks I need to up my medication and start taking Zanax. And blast it, I’m really wanting something, because this anxiety is just wretched. In general, this is probably the worst side effect that I’ve had with Abilify. I’m also wondering if the season is having a more serious affect on me this year or something. Cabin fever… I haz it! Anyway, just a note that I’m not dead, just that the anxiety tends to make me less likely to write anything down. You should see my food journal/regular journal!

Thankful

I’m thankful:

- that I have a job.  Even if it drives me nuts, at least I’m employed.

- for the Community Health Center!  I may be able to get my medication at $15 for three months…. if I qualify.  Maybe getting my hours cut was a blessing in disguise.

- that I can knit.  I don’t know what I would be doing for Christmas presents this year otherwise!  As it is, I’m not sure everything is going to get done in time and I can only stay up so late and still function in the morning!

- for friends and family.  In my case, they start to blend a lot.  My best friends now are almost all cousins, and it’s kinda nice, really.  Don’t get me wrong I treasure my non-family friends, too.  But as I get older, I only have one or two that have been friends since childhood, and that is something to keep hold of, since they know, really, who I am.

- that I have a place to live and very warm flannel sheets.

- that I have enough food to eat, and it’s food I like.  A lot.

- for enough self-control to usually get most of my bills paid before I go crazy with my money.  Because when I don’t have it, I get into plenty of trouble.

- that I have luxuries in my life like tea, books, expensive yarn and a computer that works.

- that I’m alive and able to walk, see, hear and speak without any help.  It seems like a no-brainer until you think of how many people don’t have that ability.

I’ve been feeling a little depressed and overwhelmed lately, and I thought perhaps it was time to just remind myself of how good I really do have it!