Anxiety

Okay, I’m pretty sure this isn’t just normal anxiety going on here. I’m having attacks that almost have me reduced to a quivering jelly and I’m losing my appetite, thanks to the feeling that I’m going to throw up at any moment.  In the past, anxiety attacks have been stave-off-able, but this bout is like nothing I’ve ever had before.  Well, maybe like when Joel broke up with me, but without the misery to take my mind off the anxiety.  I just looked up the indications on Abilify and it says that anxiety is a side effect, and can occur when changes are made in doses.  All I know is that this is paralyzing me.

Oh, great

A quick note about coming off of meds: argh!

I was attempting to come off of Abilify because of the loss of health insurance and therefore an inability to pay for my medication, and man did it suck! Even slowly transitioning down to 3.75mg instead of 7.5mg triggered/allowed my anxiety to resurface in a big way. In fact, I was as close to non-functioning as I can usually get, what with the crushing conviction that the world is coming to a sharp and definitive end in the next few months. Lovely stuff, let me tell you. Once I went back up to 7.5 mg, things started looking a good bit brighter, thank heavens, although I’m still having some anxiety. However, I think that is related to the very real financial trouble I’m having (thanks to my hours being cut) and the generally unstable condition of the world. Otherwise, I’m currently trying to get a handle on my procrastination issues sans shrink, but I may be able to (finally) blame them on my mom!! And won’t she just be thrilled about that….. hee!

Coming down

As previously mentioned, I’ve lost my health insurance and am therefore having to wean off of my medication.  So far I haven’t had any major side effects, and I’m pretty sure that the few I’ve “noticed” are the observations of a mind that’s pretty worried about what’s going to happen when I come off the meds.

I’ve been having slightly more anxiety, but that’s pretty much due to the fact that things are getting tight around here.  The thing that bothers me the most is that I’ve starting thinking about Joel in terms of affection and mild longing again.  But I can do this, as long as I don’t go sinking back into the depths of depression to which I had fallen before.  I think if I can just make the adjustments to my sleep and exercise life, things will definitely improve.  Too bad that’s a might big if!

Health Insurance

I don’t have health insurance as of today.  I found out that I was losing it a week ago.  The last time I bought my meds it cost $430.99 and my physiciatrist appointments are $190 each.  And my hours have been reduced to 30 a week.  Sooooooooooo………..  lookee, no more treatment for me!!!!  *sighs*  It’s kind of depressing, really, to become one of those horror stories you hear about, where the person is diagnosed with a Scarlet Letter condition (thank the good Lord I bought life insurance a few months prior to being diagnosed) and then loses their health insurance.  I’m too poor to pay for my own insurance, but it’s doubtful that I’ll be able to get on the Oregon Health Plan, thanks to being a single woman with no children.

But you know what, I’m alive.  I have a job for now.  I have the hope of being able to find another job.  My family is alive and doing well.  I’m making baby steps in changing my life for the (hopefully) better.  My therapist is giving me two free visits to help me wean off of my meds.  I have a house with an amazing view.  I have enough money for food and some frills.  Yes, things are beginning to look a tad more dire than I like, but really, I’m doing well.  And I’ll let you know how the weaning goes, if I can’t find another source for my Abilify.

Dyskinesia…. I hazn’t it. Thank goodness.

But I do have restlessness.  This can happen to me normally, but usually only for a day or so, and this latest bout has been going on for several days now.  I feel bored all the time.  I’m wondering if it could have something to do with my abnormally high sugar intake the last two days, but that doesn’t explain the weekend.  I’m discovering that one of the “side effects” of my medication is that it’s laying out problems in the open that can’t be dealt with only using my meds, things like my quick temper (which can only partially be attributed to my george disorder) and generally pessimistic (and when did that happen, I would like to know?) outlook on life.

On the good news front, I’ve started a new relationship!  Granted, the guy is in Chicago, but still, the fact that I can have any kind of romantic emotional intimacy with a guy after the drama of the last two years….. Priceless!  I’m still dealing with minor Joel baggage, but baby, he’s on his way to Pennsylvania and I’m here, which means fewer Joel sightings and more freedom to heal.  Everyone join hands and sing ‘Kumbayah’ now!

Sleeeeeeeep

I’ve been getting hits off the tag Abilify, so I should probably update how my treatment has been going so far.  I’m not having the severe drowsiness or nausea that was a problem in the first week or so, especially since I switched to taking my medication at night.  My new side effect is restlessness at night.  My doctor mentioned that something like restless leg could be a side effect (there’s a technical term but I don’t feel like looking it up.  Dys-something, I think.), but mine seems to be closer to insomnia.  I got o bed, and believe me, I’m tired, but I can’t get to sleep, and then when I do I keep waking up.  So, the last few nights I’ve been taking 5mg of melatonin (which doesn’t work for everyone, but knocks me right out.  Remember the post about medication sensitivity?) and if I get to sleep while I’m really drowsy (about a 45 minute window) I do fine, minus some trouble waking up in the morning.  Otherwise, I haven’t seen any major problems so far and I’m feeling better than I have in years!  I think my doctor is planning on increasing my dose to 5mg starting this Thursday, so I’ll be sure to post if any new problems show up.

Oh yeah, stigma!

Just when I thought I would avoid major stigma because of medication….  Most people have been supportive, happy, in fact, that I’m finally getting some serious help (although they don’t know exactly what it’s for), but today I had a fellow Christian tell me that she had to be up-front about it, she really thinks that medication is over-prescribed, especially for bipolar disorder, and that she thinks that society underestimates the effects of insufficient sleep and poor diet.  Which, you know, I totally agree with!  I hate the fact that bipolar, like celiac disease, is the newest fad disorder, and that we have all these lovely ads everywhere.  I agree that with normal depression, people can often make huge strides by basic life changes.  But I also know that I am not one of those people.  My family history with this disorder isn’t pretty.  I haven’t been able to consistently manage the life changes necessary because I have cyclical depression that will pretty much wipe out any gains I make after a while.  Maybe I’m just weak-willed, but whatever, I feel like medication is helping me and I didn’t choose to take Abilify on a whim.

I still haven’t told some of my closest friends that a) I have BD and b) that I’m on medication, primarily because I know that they’re going to react by telling me that I need to be praying for healing for a long time before I take medication.  I understand this reaction completely, because I’ve had it myself. This isn’t an anti-Christian tirade, nor is it that kind of blog, so maybe I’m just reminding myself that I need to be careful about who I tell what and that I need to be more careful in my reactions to peoples’ decisions regarding treatments.  Choosing to not seek treatment in any form for no reason, however, is not something I agree with.  If God has clearly told a person not to, that is their business, but if God hasn’t clearly said “Don’t go to a doctor, don’t try anything,” a person needs to search for an answer.  ….. ::kaff kaff:: Sorry, some personal issues crept in there!

ETA: I realized after I read this post it sounds very angry and bitter, but really I’m feeling better than I have in years!  If anyone reading this is debating medication, I would definitely encourage you to do your own research regarding medication, but if you feel like medication is your best option and you’ve looked at other options, talk to your doctor.  Which is such a difference in my opinion from not so long ago!!

Relief

Here’s to hoping that this post isn’t premature, but my medication appears to be working! I realize that it’s only been a week, but I asked my doctor about it and she said that Abilify does work quickly. Earlier this week I suddenly realized that I wasn’t feeling like a crushing dark weight was on my chest, the first time really in probably over two years!!! Even when I would have “good” days, I would have a constant tightness in my chest, the feeling like something was going to go wrong or that even if I was happy, my life still sucked. In fact, this is usually my PMS week and (yes, yes, TMI) although I may have been slightly testy (I blame the men I work with) I haven’t had the usual emotional descent into despair.

WHOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::insert happy dance here::

Did I mention that I’ve started seeking out the company of others willing, rather than forcing myself to do it simply because I know I should?? And I’m feeling motivated to knit. A lot. For others as well as myself. It’s all very strange. I’m starting to hope that maybe now I’ll be able to gather up the will to make some serious lifestyle changes that need to be made. I love having hope! It just makes things nicer. I’ll try to keep track of any swings that happen, simply because I know that I am prone to upswings in mood, but really, this one is different (see: lack of crushing chest weight). Anyway, it is time for me to get some lunch. Have a good weekend!

Oops?

So, I called my doctor this morning to see if it would be alright for me to switch my dose times to the evenings, so the rather dangerous drowsiness would be happening while I’m already asleep rather than while I’m, say, driving a car or flirting with salesmen in Chicago (hee!  Too bad I have to be quick on my feet with that one!  He’s supposed to call me tomorrow.).  I told her that I’d been having trouble with drowsiness and nausea and that, oh yeah, I tend to be a little sensitive to medication.  Oops!   She was a little exasperated.  After all, we started me on 2.5 mg specifically to avoid side effects.  She said “you shouldn’t even notice you’re taking it!”  I said “Benadryl knocks me out.”  *laughs*  It’s so much a part of my life (and I don’t normally take medication) that I didn’t even think about it!  So now I’m sitting here buying music, working on my amazingly cool fingerless gloves and nearly passing out from tiredness.  One of the first suggestions they make for treating bipolar disorder without medication is by establishing a set bedtime and rising time, with enough sleep in between.  Apparently my self-discipline didn’t get the memo…

Meds

Ugh.  Meds.  Ugh.  I’m taking 2.5mg of Abilify and yes, I am having side effects!  Sorry I haven’t posted in a few days (a week , whatever), but I had a sudden attack of paranoia that I’d been tracked back to this blog by someone from my “real” life, which would just be all kinds of awkward since I created this blog to be separate from my physical face to the world.  I noticed someone tracking the blog and it set off my CRAP THEY’VE FOUND ME!!!! alarm, since it looked like they might have followed me from…  oh never mind, let’s just say I was being paranoid and leave it at that!

Anyway, meds and side effects.  You know that drowsiness and nausea they warn you about?  Check.  And I had some restlessness during church this evening, but that could have just been me, since I get horrifically ants sometimes.  A friend of mine who has done antidepressants before told me that it usually takes about two weeks for the effects to diminish, but I think I’m calling my doc tomorrow to see if I can take the stuff at night rather than the morning!

Abilify actually was originally an anti-psychotic, hence the fact that I don’t think I’ll be telling too many people!  Can you imagine the reactions?!?  It’s bad enough to mention medication, but to say I’m on an anti-psychotic…  actually, I think can use this to my own nefarious advantage.  I’ve been prescribed this since it has a lower incidence of weight gain and also treats both the manic and depressive features of soft bipolar disorder.  Man, if this works….  I might finally be able to really take control of my own life for the first time in…… ever!!!

Fortunately my Rx kinda-insurance at work is helping, because this stuff costs $370.99 for thirty tablets, and there is no generic brand available.  I would just like to insert here that the pharmaceutical companies are terrifying in their insensitivity to the fact that there is really almost no excuse for charging us such insanely huge amounts of money for this stuff.  And really, money is power, power corrupts, absolute wealth corrupts absolutely!

In other, but related, news, my blood test says that I am otherwise a healthy girl!  Like my dad said, my problem is all in my head………