It’s 10:42pm, I have to get up early to head over the mountains to get ready for my cousins wedding, and I can’t sleep. I just got a phone call from another cousin telling me that her sister just engaged tonight, and I’m thrilled for her, but all of a sudden it’s weighing heavily on my mind how blindingly alone I am, and how very much this wasn’t how things were supposed to turn out. All I see stretching before me are empty years, years that I was planning on spending with someone else, but now I’ve cut out even the friend that might have spent them with me. My friends are married, having children, or I’m not speaking to them (was that the right choice? The lack of certainty bothers me more that I would like to admit.). Joel is engaged, proceeding with his happy little life, having no idea just how bleak life can be when you’re alone, especially now that I really know what it could have been like. ::laughs:: I just realized that this is normally what my old journal entries used to look like. I’m just sharing them now with a cold, uncaring cyberspace. My sorrow is like a bird in my chest, and at any moment it will break free and fly away with me, leaving my physical remains slumped in the chair. Or it will stay solidly anchored, and I will eventually crawl into bed, unable to bear the harsh light of the screen any longer, or the sense of my own melodrama. I always want to use words to expose myself, but I can never take the passion of them seriously enough to make them speak. In fact, I most likely will look back on this blog with a vague sense of embarrassment and condescending amusement. But in this moment, I need the words. I need to open my chest and let the bird fly away. I need to create the spell that will make everything okay, that will fix the mess I’ve made of my life, that will fix the flaws that rule me. I suppose that’s the major difference between this blog and my journal – in this blog the words can be typed so quickly that the spell is almost in my reach, almost grasped, but never quite.
Posted by melindam 