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Have you ever had one of those experiences where you’re just not sure what you’re supposed to be feeling? I’m having one of those right now. Joel is engaged. It’s been two and a half years since we broke up on the one hand and I’d better be well over him, but on the other, this is the guy I thought was The One, my match, my mate. So I’m torn. Should I be feeling devastated? Sad? Angry? Happy, for crying out loud? I might feel a little angry, but nothing else. Not sad, not happy, perhaps a little resigned. I just finished a music video of him, simply because I’d started it and needed to get it done, and as I sat there looking at the pictures it was like looking into the face of a stranger. How does that happen? I mean, I know this guy (somehow I don’t think he’s changed in fundamentals) intimately, I know his face almost better than my own, and yet, he is no one I know. It’s as though that year and four months never happened, even though I have the scars to prove they did, and now his is a face that I recognize but with which I have no connection. I must admit that there is still the shadow of sorrow for what might have been, for a love that wasn’t enough (ohhhh, bitterness!), for a friendship that could have been forever. *sits in silence* Is it too much to hope that I have finally started to heal? That after two and a half years, I might really be able to view my life in my own terms rather than in terms of Joel? I can hope, because I’m not crying, I’m not screaming, I’m not comatose. As Lisa Loeb is singing “The drone in your voice and the fly on the wall/said it’s over, it’s over, it’s over, it is/And what do I wish for you/what do I wish?/It’s over, it is.”

CSI’s Space Oddity

LOVED this episode! It is so nice to have one of their quirky episodes rather than all the time serious. And it’s always good to see the lab folks. One thing I’m not so thrilled with is how the rest of the cast treats the pseudo-Trekkies and their culture with disdain. In the days of Grissom, we saw many different sub-cultures (remember the Furries?) and while there was ookiness expressed, I don’t feel like there was the same level of contempt that I felt in this episode. Which, I need to say, I thought was hilarious, even with Nicky and Greg’s snobbery. I was actually surprised at Greg; considering some of the other things he’s been into, it was sad that his character was so…. meh, compared with the old Greg who danced around with gloves on his head. The side fantasies from Hodges are wonderful and it was enjoyable to see the fun part of CSI again. Just wish it happened more often!

PS  Oh yes, and there was the cameo by Mike Newton from Twilight.  Priceless!  Especially in his atrocious hairpiece!!

Season Two Episode One

I have to admit that I’m having some difficulty with the direction Jericho is taking/took (I keep forgetting how far behind I am).  I guess I got used to the more “intimate” problems of the town when it was cut off and, although I realize that inter-community violence would be a given, it seems to me that in the first season they skipped a lot of time that could have been used to expand on characters and plots rather than rushing into New Bern like they did.  As it is, there are several characters that they took the time to get us involved with that are suddenly off the radar…. at least as of episode one of season two *looks shifty*  Yes, perhaps I need to watch more before making my judgement calls.  Man, I wish I could share this blog and my commentary with my cousin Kevin.  Oh wait, that’s what Facebook is for!  I think I’m going to take a break and go watch the episode of CSI I’ve been hearing so much about.

Episode 20

Argh! Dramas! Why do I watch them! I think the problem I’m developing is that the behavior of the people is all too real. I wish I could believe that humanity was inherently decent or something like that, but we just aren’t. Maybe it’s the instinct for self-preservation, maybe it’s inherent selfishness. I don’t know.

I’ve been thinking about what I would do in a nuclear disaster. My hometown is actually well-located in terms of fall out patterns. We have (had in the past at least) decent agricultural land, water, and game. I’m torn between holing up at my parents’ house and heading east into the high desert. I KNOW I’m totally unprepared for any sort of disaster, much less a far-reaching one of the kind shown in Jericho, but perhaps it’s good that I even contemplate the possibility. What’s the saying? “Even a paranoid has real enemies”?

Jericho

One of the plus sides to being depressed is that I watch a LOT of television.  Well, okay, by a lot I mean, some. And by some, I mean as much as a person can who doesn’t have a television can watch on her computer in the middle of a busy schedule.  And one of my beloved cousins recently introduced me to Jericho, a show that, like the wonderful Firefly, was canceled before its time.  And I LOVE IT!!!!  Maybe it’s my hick, redneck roots, but something about its post-apocalypitic setting just rings true in this little old heart of mine.  Or it could be that I live in one of the safer areas of the country in case of nuclear attack.  Anyway, even though it’s totally making me paranoid and I keep imagining what I would do in case of nuclear apocalypse (or zombie apocalypse for that matter), I’m really liking this show.  Um, oh dear, this is me and my escapism again, isn’t it?

2.5 mg

I’ve dropped my dosage down from 5mg to 2.5mg a day. At this point, my dosage is so minimal that I don’t see how it can be helping/hurting, but I’ve been so zombie-like in the mornings and so depressed that I’m going to try taking less to see what happens. It’s so frustrating to have been diagnosed, thrown onto a medication, and then to lose my insurance/ability to receive treatment/option for other medication. I keep thinking that I might be better off just coming off Abilify completely. These past few months have been so completely miserable that I’m honestly amazed that I’ve made it through without a nervous breakdown or something. How do people survive years of this? It’s insane!

Matrix

Informed by XKCD, I’m here to inform you that today is the 10th anniversary of the release of The Matrix!  I can’t believe it’s been that long!  It’s held up remarkably well, considering the lousy, heavy-handed sequels.  I’m watching it now and it’s just as much fun as it was originally.  But that could be because of my thing for long, black trench coats.   Or for slender, dark-haired men.  Keanu Reeves may be terrible in some of his other roles, but this one suited him to a T.  And I love the sparring scene between Neo and Morpheus, not to mention the assault on the skyscraper, and who could forget the opening scene with Trinity?

After watching the new Fast and the Furious last night, it’s a relief to watch action without the constant bombardment of boobs and butts.  The Matrix it ain’t.  It was decent, but not quite as good as the first (of course) and the girl on girl action was really excessive.  Otherwise, Vin Diesel is as hot as ever, with that wonderfully gravelly voice, and Paul Walker, although showing some signs of age, is still pretty smokin’ as well.  The cars are always wonderful, even not being a mechanically-minded person, all that power and speed.  Ahhhh, escapism.  Isn’t it fun?