Anxiety

Okay, I’m pretty sure this isn’t just normal anxiety going on here. I’m having attacks that almost have me reduced to a quivering jelly and I’m losing my appetite, thanks to the feeling that I’m going to throw up at any moment.  In the past, anxiety attacks have been stave-off-able, but this bout is like nothing I’ve ever had before.  Well, maybe like when Joel broke up with me, but without the misery to take my mind off the anxiety.  I just looked up the indications on Abilify and it says that anxiety is a side effect, and can occur when changes are made in doses.  All I know is that this is paralyzing me.

Regrets

As I may or may not have mentioned, a month or two ago I “broke up” with my best friend of ten years.  It wasn’t an easy decision, but it was one that I felt needed to be made.  The relationship was completely unhealthy and the only way it was going to be fixed was by a prolonged period of not talking, but that wasn’t going to happen, so I was harsh and horrible and said we couldn’t be friends anymore.

The thing is, now I feel like I did the same thing to her that Joel did to me, destroying her world in one fell swoop, and that’s not a good feeling.  I don’t really see how it could have come down any easier for her, since the end result needed to be the same, but I still feel guilty (where is my shrink when I need her????  Oh yeah, that’s right, I’m the one who can’t see her…) about doing it.  I see in her reactions the same sort of feeling/thinking that I had in relation to Joel, and it makes me angry and combative, but at the same time ashamed and guilty.

This was all brought to the fore of my thinking (not that I needed any more negative thoughts.  End of the world, anyone?) by her latest blog post (yes, mother, I know, I shouldn’t be reading it.  And yes, it does make me feel l ike I’m back in high school.) in which she mentions twice (not by accident; I know this girl) how lovely it is to be with people who love and accept her just the way she is. The implication being that I didn’t.  Which is and isn’t true!

It is true in that I couldn’t handle the fact that she wouldn’t let us develop any sense of distance in our relationship, which I really, really needed, and because her apparent unwillingness to address some of her physical/emotional problems really upset me.  But it isn’t true in that I accepted her and her behavior for years when a lot of people would have gotten very upset with her.

I guess what this entry boils down to is that I can’t come to terms with my feelings of shame and guilt and anger.  Does anyone has any suggestions or ideas?  Because I’ve never been on this end of the stick before, and it’s not a very comfortable place to be.

Reasons to never leave home

I live forty-five minutes from this view. From here I can see Pilot Rock, Mt. Shasta, the Trinity mountain range, the Rogue Valley, Mt. McLoughlin, Mt. Thielsen, and the edge of Crater Lake. So many of my classmates were desperate to get out of this town, but I still think it’s one of the most beautiful places a person can live. Unless they’re stuck in the middle of town with no view except the side of their neighbor’s house. If I lived in a place like that, I might feel the need to get out as well! But, still, I mean forty-five minutes. It’s not that far!

Oh, great

A quick note about coming off of meds: argh!

I was attempting to come off of Abilify because of the loss of health insurance and therefore an inability to pay for my medication, and man did it suck! Even slowly transitioning down to 3.75mg instead of 7.5mg triggered/allowed my anxiety to resurface in a big way. In fact, I was as close to non-functioning as I can usually get, what with the crushing conviction that the world is coming to a sharp and definitive end in the next few months. Lovely stuff, let me tell you. Once I went back up to 7.5 mg, things started looking a good bit brighter, thank heavens, although I’m still having some anxiety. However, I think that is related to the very real financial trouble I’m having (thanks to my hours being cut) and the generally unstable condition of the world. Otherwise, I’m currently trying to get a handle on my procrastination issues sans shrink, but I may be able to (finally) blame them on my mom!! And won’t she just be thrilled about that….. hee!