These things…

I was browsing blogs today and came across this post from The Panopticon about the lovely things of winter and it made me want to do my own list!  I love lists, by the way.

- suddenly coming across “Sure On This Shining Night” on my Zune while trapped in my windowless office.

- sweeping curtains of rain across the foothills, with patches of brilliance when the sun unexpectedly breaks through.

- the mountains looming through layers of cloud, unchanging behemoths in a climate of instability.

- the Table Rocks in soft shades of grey and green or wrapped in a sea of fog.

- cups of tea steaming in a perfect example of chaos, the swirls of milk better than hypnosis.

- lacy wristlets, hats with stems and feet of scarves, all necessary and not needing an excuse!

- driving through the pear orchards in rose-colored morning fog and imagining they will never end.

- flannel sheets, feather duvets and old quilts, even if they do make it almost impossible to get up in the morning.

- candles.  Especially beeswax candles.  Especially when they make jungle shadows on the ceiling with the angelwing begonia.

Thankful

I’m thankful:

- that I have a job.  Even if it drives me nuts, at least I’m employed.

- for the Community Health Center!  I may be able to get my medication at $15 for three months…. if I qualify.  Maybe getting my hours cut was a blessing in disguise.

- that I can knit.  I don’t know what I would be doing for Christmas presents this year otherwise!  As it is, I’m not sure everything is going to get done in time and I can only stay up so late and still function in the morning!

- for friends and family.  In my case, they start to blend a lot.  My best friends now are almost all cousins, and it’s kinda nice, really.  Don’t get me wrong I treasure my non-family friends, too.  But as I get older, I only have one or two that have been friends since childhood, and that is something to keep hold of, since they know, really, who I am.

- that I have a place to live and very warm flannel sheets.

- that I have enough food to eat, and it’s food I like.  A lot.

- for enough self-control to usually get most of my bills paid before I go crazy with my money.  Because when I don’t have it, I get into plenty of trouble.

- that I have luxuries in my life like tea, books, expensive yarn and a computer that works.

- that I’m alive and able to walk, see, hear and speak without any help.  It seems like a no-brainer until you think of how many people don’t have that ability.

I’ve been feeling a little depressed and overwhelmed lately, and I thought perhaps it was time to just remind myself of how good I really do have it!

Coming down

As previously mentioned, I’ve lost my health insurance and am therefore having to wean off of my medication.  So far I haven’t had any major side effects, and I’m pretty sure that the few I’ve “noticed” are the observations of a mind that’s pretty worried about what’s going to happen when I come off the meds.

I’ve been having slightly more anxiety, but that’s pretty much due to the fact that things are getting tight around here.  The thing that bothers me the most is that I’ve starting thinking about Joel in terms of affection and mild longing again.  But I can do this, as long as I don’t go sinking back into the depths of depression to which I had fallen before.  I think if I can just make the adjustments to my sleep and exercise life, things will definitely improve.  Too bad that’s a might big if!

Fog

I have ambivalent feelings about fog. It’s cold and wet and repressive and very, very depressing sometimes. But other times it’s alive, mysterious and lovely. I especially like it when it’s blowing in shreds around the trees or when I’m in the mountains and the fog is sitting in the valleys. This morning, though, I had one of the really good fog moments.  I was driving in to work and the fog was burning off in one area and the sunrise was apparently coming over the mountain, because the fog I was driving through was rose-colored.  Instead of being cold and oppressive, it was (from the interior of my car) warm and inviting.  I think that even if I’d been outside, walking through the pear orchards, it would have seemed warmer.  And it was lovely.  I love where I live, and it’s one of the major reasons I can’t contemplate too seriously moving away from my “small” town.  It’s always nice to have roots.

Health Insurance

I don’t have health insurance as of today.  I found out that I was losing it a week ago.  The last time I bought my meds it cost $430.99 and my physiciatrist appointments are $190 each.  And my hours have been reduced to 30 a week.  Sooooooooooo………..  lookee, no more treatment for me!!!!  *sighs*  It’s kind of depressing, really, to become one of those horror stories you hear about, where the person is diagnosed with a Scarlet Letter condition (thank the good Lord I bought life insurance a few months prior to being diagnosed) and then loses their health insurance.  I’m too poor to pay for my own insurance, but it’s doubtful that I’ll be able to get on the Oregon Health Plan, thanks to being a single woman with no children.

But you know what, I’m alive.  I have a job for now.  I have the hope of being able to find another job.  My family is alive and doing well.  I’m making baby steps in changing my life for the (hopefully) better.  My therapist is giving me two free visits to help me wean off of my meds.  I have a house with an amazing view.  I have enough money for food and some frills.  Yes, things are beginning to look a tad more dire than I like, but really, I’m doing well.  And I’ll let you know how the weaning goes, if I can’t find another source for my Abilify.