Sleeeeeeeep

I’ve been getting hits off the tag Abilify, so I should probably update how my treatment has been going so far.  I’m not having the severe drowsiness or nausea that was a problem in the first week or so, especially since I switched to taking my medication at night.  My new side effect is restlessness at night.  My doctor mentioned that something like restless leg could be a side effect (there’s a technical term but I don’t feel like looking it up.  Dys-something, I think.), but mine seems to be closer to insomnia.  I got o bed, and believe me, I’m tired, but I can’t get to sleep, and then when I do I keep waking up.  So, the last few nights I’ve been taking 5mg of melatonin (which doesn’t work for everyone, but knocks me right out.  Remember the post about medication sensitivity?) and if I get to sleep while I’m really drowsy (about a 45 minute window) I do fine, minus some trouble waking up in the morning.  Otherwise, I haven’t seen any major problems so far and I’m feeling better than I have in years!  I think my doctor is planning on increasing my dose to 5mg starting this Thursday, so I’ll be sure to post if any new problems show up.

Oh yeah, stigma!

Just when I thought I would avoid major stigma because of medication….  Most people have been supportive, happy, in fact, that I’m finally getting some serious help (although they don’t know exactly what it’s for), but today I had a fellow Christian tell me that she had to be up-front about it, she really thinks that medication is over-prescribed, especially for bipolar disorder, and that she thinks that society underestimates the effects of insufficient sleep and poor diet.  Which, you know, I totally agree with!  I hate the fact that bipolar, like celiac disease, is the newest fad disorder, and that we have all these lovely ads everywhere.  I agree that with normal depression, people can often make huge strides by basic life changes.  But I also know that I am not one of those people.  My family history with this disorder isn’t pretty.  I haven’t been able to consistently manage the life changes necessary because I have cyclical depression that will pretty much wipe out any gains I make after a while.  Maybe I’m just weak-willed, but whatever, I feel like medication is helping me and I didn’t choose to take Abilify on a whim.

I still haven’t told some of my closest friends that a) I have BD and b) that I’m on medication, primarily because I know that they’re going to react by telling me that I need to be praying for healing for a long time before I take medication.  I understand this reaction completely, because I’ve had it myself. This isn’t an anti-Christian tirade, nor is it that kind of blog, so maybe I’m just reminding myself that I need to be careful about who I tell what and that I need to be more careful in my reactions to peoples’ decisions regarding treatments.  Choosing to not seek treatment in any form for no reason, however, is not something I agree with.  If God has clearly told a person not to, that is their business, but if God hasn’t clearly said “Don’t go to a doctor, don’t try anything,” a person needs to search for an answer.  ….. ::kaff kaff:: Sorry, some personal issues crept in there!

ETA: I realized after I read this post it sounds very angry and bitter, but really I’m feeling better than I have in years!  If anyone reading this is debating medication, I would definitely encourage you to do your own research regarding medication, but if you feel like medication is your best option and you’ve looked at other options, talk to your doctor.  Which is such a difference in my opinion from not so long ago!!

Hopes of a nation

I was reading the most recent Real Simple this morning and the question for the issue was “What are your hopes for this country?”  And nobody replied “that Barack Obama will be elected our new President” or “that John McCain will lead us into a period of economic re-growth and stability.”  No, these women were hoping for a country that thought of others before themselves; that practiced sustainable, environmentally-friendly growth; that didn’t waste so much time and negative energy trying to win votes for the next election that they eroded our faith and their ability to be human; and that remembered who we are, the hundreds of other places we’ve come from and still depend on and still has a vision of the world we want to leave to our children.

And I thought, what does it take to create this kind of a world?  What keeps us from making any steps in these directions?

I think the answer is that we’re afraid that, by giving of ourselves to people we don’t know and may never meet, we’re going to lose something in our own lives.  We think that if we can’t have a completely off-the-grid house or recycle 100%, we can’t recycle even a quarter of our garbage or shop more responsibly.  We are afraid it won’t do anything for us.  To which I must reply (to myself, because I am just as guilty as anyone), so what?  So what if I will never see a direct benefit from kindness, from mindfulness that I/we as a nation are not alone and not the most important in this world?  Doesn’t the fact that we can make someone, anyone’s life better give us enough of a reason?

All it takes to start is a moment.  Smile at strangers in the grocery store, recycle your tin cans, volunteer, give to charity, give time to a charity, love people for who they are and the history they have.  I love to hope for the kind of nation we could have.

Relief

Here’s to hoping that this post isn’t premature, but my medication appears to be working! I realize that it’s only been a week, but I asked my doctor about it and she said that Abilify does work quickly. Earlier this week I suddenly realized that I wasn’t feeling like a crushing dark weight was on my chest, the first time really in probably over two years!!! Even when I would have “good” days, I would have a constant tightness in my chest, the feeling like something was going to go wrong or that even if I was happy, my life still sucked. In fact, this is usually my PMS week and (yes, yes, TMI) although I may have been slightly testy (I blame the men I work with) I haven’t had the usual emotional descent into despair.

WHOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::insert happy dance here::

Did I mention that I’ve started seeking out the company of others willing, rather than forcing myself to do it simply because I know I should?? And I’m feeling motivated to knit. A lot. For others as well as myself. It’s all very strange. I’m starting to hope that maybe now I’ll be able to gather up the will to make some serious lifestyle changes that need to be made. I love having hope! It just makes things nicer. I’ll try to keep track of any swings that happen, simply because I know that I am prone to upswings in mood, but really, this one is different (see: lack of crushing chest weight). Anyway, it is time for me to get some lunch. Have a good weekend!

Oops?

So, I called my doctor this morning to see if it would be alright for me to switch my dose times to the evenings, so the rather dangerous drowsiness would be happening while I’m already asleep rather than while I’m, say, driving a car or flirting with salesmen in Chicago (hee!  Too bad I have to be quick on my feet with that one!  He’s supposed to call me tomorrow.).  I told her that I’d been having trouble with drowsiness and nausea and that, oh yeah, I tend to be a little sensitive to medication.  Oops!   She was a little exasperated.  After all, we started me on 2.5 mg specifically to avoid side effects.  She said “you shouldn’t even notice you’re taking it!”  I said “Benadryl knocks me out.”  *laughs*  It’s so much a part of my life (and I don’t normally take medication) that I didn’t even think about it!  So now I’m sitting here buying music, working on my amazingly cool fingerless gloves and nearly passing out from tiredness.  One of the first suggestions they make for treating bipolar disorder without medication is by establishing a set bedtime and rising time, with enough sleep in between.  Apparently my self-discipline didn’t get the memo…

Meds

Ugh.  Meds.  Ugh.  I’m taking 2.5mg of Abilify and yes, I am having side effects!  Sorry I haven’t posted in a few days (a week , whatever), but I had a sudden attack of paranoia that I’d been tracked back to this blog by someone from my “real” life, which would just be all kinds of awkward since I created this blog to be separate from my physical face to the world.  I noticed someone tracking the blog and it set off my CRAP THEY’VE FOUND ME!!!! alarm, since it looked like they might have followed me from…  oh never mind, let’s just say I was being paranoid and leave it at that!

Anyway, meds and side effects.  You know that drowsiness and nausea they warn you about?  Check.  And I had some restlessness during church this evening, but that could have just been me, since I get horrifically ants sometimes.  A friend of mine who has done antidepressants before told me that it usually takes about two weeks for the effects to diminish, but I think I’m calling my doc tomorrow to see if I can take the stuff at night rather than the morning!

Abilify actually was originally an anti-psychotic, hence the fact that I don’t think I’ll be telling too many people!  Can you imagine the reactions?!?  It’s bad enough to mention medication, but to say I’m on an anti-psychotic…  actually, I think can use this to my own nefarious advantage.  I’ve been prescribed this since it has a lower incidence of weight gain and also treats both the manic and depressive features of soft bipolar disorder.  Man, if this works….  I might finally be able to really take control of my own life for the first time in…… ever!!!

Fortunately my Rx kinda-insurance at work is helping, because this stuff costs $370.99 for thirty tablets, and there is no generic brand available.  I would just like to insert here that the pharmaceutical companies are terrifying in their insensitivity to the fact that there is really almost no excuse for charging us such insanely huge amounts of money for this stuff.  And really, money is power, power corrupts, absolute wealth corrupts absolutely!

In other, but related, news, my blood test says that I am otherwise a healthy girl!  Like my dad said, my problem is all in my head………

Bipolar Disorder

I haz it.

At least, that’s the conclusion that my therapist has come to and I’m slowly coming to accept.  I’m not Bipolar I (the kind that go a leeeetle bit crazy) but it looks like I have “soft” bipolar disorder.  I thought I’d pretty much accepted that’s what I had a couple of months ago, but when the doctor told me she was almost positive that was it, I started crying.  Seriously, it’s genetic, you can see it all through my maternal line, which means if I ever get married and think about having kids, this is yet another thing for me to consider.  The bullet seems to have missed my brother (so far) but any spawn of mine are pretty much directly in line.

On one hand, it’s kind of a relief to know that maybe my problems have a name.  Like, perhaps my negative self-image and thought processes have a reason behind them.  On the other, I have bipolar disorder!!! I mean, it’s not going to go away, it’s permanent.  And talk about social stigma!  I mentioned it to a friend before the diagnosis was firm and she nearly freaked out on me.  Granted, her cousin was murdered by her husband who had stopped taking his meds, but it was still a sharp reminder of the stereotypes and stigmas associated with any kind of “mental illness.”  I talked to a very good friend of mine and one of her suggestions was (in nicer words) to shut my piehole.  I have the tendency to tell everybody most everything, but this isn’t something the world needs to know about.  Which is going to be a battle and a half.  It complicates things with Mel, too, since I really shouldn’t be doing any discussing while I’m in the middle of all of this.  I’m already wanting to maintain radio silence and I think maybe some time for me to stabilize could be a good idea before we go having a(nother) huge heart to heart.

I’ve never taken any sort of drug for depression in my life, ever, so this whole medication for bipolar thing is very scary!  What if my mood stabilizes into the version of me that I like the least?  What if we get my depression straightened out only to discover that I continue to be lazy and unmotivated?  Am I ever going to find someone who will be willing to look beyond the fact that I’m crazy?  Okay, okay, I know, not crazy, that is an unfair generalization to make about people with bipolar disorder, but that’s how so many people view it (including me in the past) that it’s a scary thing to consider having to tell someone I’m really interested in.

In the shut-yer-whiny-trap, I talked to my friend’s husband, who suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and had hallucinations for three months before he finally told his wife, because he thought he might be going crazy.  We’re talking honest to goodness, people standing at the foot of his bed or walking towards him and disappearing, hallucinations.  I honestly don’t know what I would do if that happened to me.  Probably unhinge completely, truth be known.  But for now, another “great” adventure is unfolding before me, and maybe this time I actually will be able to discover myself.

Autumn is here!

Yay, w00t and amen!! The last week or so it’s been in the 90s around here, although the leaves were starting to fall in places. But today the wind started blowing and when I came home there were drifts of pine needles in the driveway. The weather site says a series of fronts is moving (are moving?) into the area and the clouds are definitely here. I was thinking how much more fun it was before I started paying attention to things like warm and cold fronts and the weather changes were just these strange, inexplicable events that no one could predict. Maybe they were caused by magic, somewhere some power deciding to bring the snow and close the passes. Not that they always can predict the weather nowadays (almost every major storm we’ve had for the last five years has come as a complete surprise), but somehow seeing the possibilities mapped out cheapens it.

Tonight before church I drove up into the foothills and watched out across the valley. The incoming front is pushing the smoke into streaks and the western sky was brilliantly red and pink, and I could see the line between cloud and smoke clearly. I want to drive up to Mt. Ashland, but I keep running out of time, and this was a good stand-in. Somehow it grounds me to stand high on the mountains and looks out across my world, the mountains and valleys I’ve known all my life. The mark of humanity seems so small and two-dimensional, squashed along the valley floors and blinking into tiny existence along the hills. And the silence is intense. We become so accustomed to the freeway, the street, the houses around us, people, that when we’re away from it…. it’s almost oppressive. I think I need to go to the mountains more simply to overcome that. Deep silence like that brings to the fore exactly how not-silent my thoughts are and it also makes it easier to focus on one though at a time, rather than all of them rushing at me simultaneously.

One danger of autumn and visiting the mountains is my urge to travel. Not necessarily to far off lands, but I see these silhouettes in the distance and I want to see them, drive the logging roads that stretch around them, and worst, get on the highway and head east, to heaven only knows where. When I was younger I used to be afraid that someday I would give in, but the urge isn’t as strong as it used to be, and honestly that makes me sad! Where is my passion?! I’ve been thinking about this lately, because I didn’t used to be this colorless, drab person I feel like I’ve become. I’m still in here somewhere, I know I am, it’s just a matter of finding me.

On a final note, I must admit that one reason I’m thrilled that autumn is here is because I get to start knitting heavier knits! Yay yay! I mean, I love my socks and stuff, but I’m really looking forward to getting some serious work done on an alpaca scarf I just started. And my EZLN Fingerless Gloves just rock. For the knitters among my audience, I’m Minnow on Ravelry, but I don’t have any real pictures up. I need to do that. And I’ll try!