Overkill

Last week was horrible, awful, terrible, a nightmare, a wreck. My hormones were bad, which made everything seem that much worse and I felt like the world was conspiring against me. Well, and my manager, but I think that’s really just because he is….. who he is (she said, for once suppressing the urge to say really, really mean things about him.).

And I wound up on a van with eleven other people on a road trip down to Sacramento for special meetings at our church down there, which, I must admit, had been part of the freak out stress for last week. But I was going down to see my family and friends, and I was doing it without having to pay a red cent for fuel.

After service I went outside, looking for one of my cousins who I wasn’t going to see for the rest of the weekend, and when I found her I took three steps towards her and then turned around and went back inside. She was standing next to Joel. No one told me he was coming and it was like a punch in the gut to see him there. Not just because every time I see him is like a physical blow, but because two years ago in Sacramento for special meetings we were together for the last time as a couple and here he was, beautiful and charming as he’s ever been. And I love him. After two years full of pain, betrayal, anger, every negative thing I could feel about him and think about him, I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. I know his faults and he irritates the living crap out of me with the way he acts sometimes, when he turns into The Prophet and gets all spiritually snooty, and I still think he’s wonderful. A lot of the time.

Worse was yet to come the next day when he showed up wearing a kilt. This might not seem like a big deal, except a) it’s not exactly an acceptable fashion statement in my church (which is/used to be his church) and b) he knows that I’ve always a had a serious weakness for men with the guts to wear kilts/sarongs in public. In fact, while we were dating I bought him a sarong that he wore quite a bit, lounging around playing video games and grooving in the park. To see him there, in a black kilt, being (in part. Not the rebellious, closed-eyes- to-his-own- behavior-and- its-meanings/repercussions part.) so many things I’ve thought I want in a partner for my life was just… hard. I called my parents (not a Normal Thing) and wound up crying (really not a Normal Thing!).

I guess I’m still struggling with understanding how love, which we’re taught to think is the unbreakable bond between two people, can fail like it did. I recognize that the book and the movies and the songs and the poetry all lie, and really represent what people want more often than it represents what they actually have, but really getting it seems to be a bit of a problem. There’s a song (by an artist I can’t respect at all, even though I like his music) that says “all you need is love is a lie/’cause we had love but we still said goodbye” that pretty much sums it up. He loved me and now he doesn’t. How does that happen? (“One minute we speak of fruit, the next of love… how does that happen?”)

One of my cousins (I have seventeen first cousins and I’m pretty close with most of them, hence many references!) is in love with a guy (kid, really, but then, she’s only 20) and it reminds me so much of me and Joel! Knowing that what you’re doing is stupid, knowing you should be distancing yourself but not having the strength… *laughs* My only hope is that he will turn out to be a little more steady than my music man (this other guy is also a musical genius, but in the classical way, which means he has some of the same foibles and frailties). So no one is bored with my emotude for the evening, I would like to say that other than Joel, I had a great time. I got to share a twin bed with the Human Heater, reconnect with a lot good friends, make better connections with new friends, get my mind out of its constant rut of my little world and spend time with people who mean a whole lot to me. A little moment of mad melancholy was worth it to be reminded that when others think I’m an “eccentric” (when they’re being nice), my family and good friends still think I’m cool.

Happy Autumn Equinox!!

I have to say, for my part I’m leaning towards blue body paint and bonfire dancing.  Okay, knitting and hot chocolate are probably what’s going to happen, but a girl can dream, can’t she?  Anyway, enjoy the day and the evening!

I don’t understand people

I started a Stitch ‘n’ Bitch in my little town.  I got tired of my social circle shrinking into non-existence and decided to do something about it.  Recently a woman my age, but married and with a child, has been meeting with us and for the most part I really like her.  The last time my group met we got to talking about Harry Potter, although when I mentioned Star Wars she kind of glazed over.  Then this last Friday I met with her home group in Ashland and mentioned that I’d been watching a lot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and that’s why I was doing a lot of sock knitting, and she got all snooty and condescending!  I guess I can understand to a certain extent, Buffy can be very fangirl-esque, but for crying out loud, this woman knits!!! And reads Harry Potter!!  I know exactly what reaction the knitting gets!  Perhaps part of my problem is that she gets this look/sneer that automatically puts me on the defensive, thanks to high school, and I immediately feel dorky and stupid.  So in order to counteract that, here is a list of things (not really any things in particular, just things in general) that I need to remember/state loudly:

- If I want to enjoy Buffy the Vampire Slayer in movie or TV show form, that is my business and no one else’s.  If I choose to have crushes on Pike, Angel or Spike, that is also my business!  (And my hormones’.)

- I’m glad I bought both Lara Croft movies for $10 total.  They are terrible, and that’s why I love them.  If I can find Dracula 2000 pennies, I’m buying it, too.

- There is nothing wrong with knitting, and people who make fun of me for something that allows me to be creative and gives me some sense of fulfillment need to take a closer look at why they are mocking me.

- Being a virgin at 28 is not a crime and just because my friends are getting laid on the third date doesn’t mean that I have to follow the trend.  (I love sneaking TMI in, it freaks out the unsuspecting!).

- Being completely conversant in Final Fantasy, Star Wars (up until the new trilogy and cartoons.  They suck.), Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings (books and movies) and Firefly in no way lowers my IQ or negates the fact that I can also discuss physics, Latin American history, culture, economics and politics, basic geology, music history and theory, religion and sociology.

- My brother is a deli manager for Winco and I think he’s accomplished more than a lot of people who go to college and get their degrees.  I am very, very proud of him and am not at all ashamed at his chosen profession (although I didn’t always think this way, in honesty.  But I do now, and that’s what counts.).

- I had more fun hanging out at my brother’s all-night gaming parties than I did at the bar with my friends.  There was less pressure to conform to a standard of behavior and no one was rolling their eyes because I don’t drink (don’t even get me started on this one!).

- People have loved me even though I don’t drink, smoke, put out, dress like a skank, curse (out loud), go partying, but do like to read, watch strange movies, drink tea, read comics at times, jam and hang out outside.  I need to remember that so I don’t start changing who I am into someone I don’t particularly want to be just to be accepted.  I’m too old for that crap.

Wow, it’s like Post Secret II: The Rant Continues.  But maybe that’s what I need.  Okay, I know that’s what I need, because otherwise I think these things and then immediately forget them.  I have an appointment with a shrink on Tuesday.  Hopefully this one can help me get my brain back!

Who I Am

Ha! Gotcha! You all probably thought I was going to reveal some deep, dark secret about myself, but no, this is merely some mild self-realization. And yes, I am perfectly aware that I already posted today. This probably just means that I won’t post again for another two months or so.

I have discovered the evil that is Surf The Channel and I’ve been watching movies and television shows, catching up on things I missed, seeing things I didn’t know I wanted to see. And I guess, maybe, I’ve realized something: I’ve got to really, finally, totally accept who I am. I know this is one of those totally cheesy reasons to epiph, but I was watching the movie Sydney White, which involves dorkitude, and I remembered that I am a dork. Okay, maybe more of a nerd, but still, I need to quit being embarrassed about who I am. Of course, I’ve also been watching a lot of Buffy and dancing flicks, which makes me really, really tired of being out of shape and frumpy, but I don’t know that there’s anything wrong with that, as long as I don’t get bogged down in thinking poorly of myself constantly.

But yeah, really, what’s wrong with liking video games? Or reading fiction constantly? Or even knowing and liking (some) anime? Why do I feel ashamed? And also, those dreams that I’ve given up on? Why? And why wouldn’t I be able to accomplish them? I mean, other then my hormone-induced mood swings and inability to finish things. But besides that? Nada. Look out world! I might accomplish something in the next two days!

PS Okay, the ending of this movie kinda sucks, gets ways too cheesy, but on the whole, not too bad.

I miss the old Disney

I just watched High School Musical for the first time and I gotta say, I miss the old Disney.  Ya know, the one that wasn’t constantly shoving feel good messages at you with every movie.  And the cast is so obviously ethnically politically correct that it’s annoying.  But back to the feel good messages.  It just seems like Disney has gotten so saccharine sweet that their movies are nearly intolerable.  I mean, Disney has always been about escapism, but their movies and cartoons have gone to the point where I’d rather gag than cheer when the heroes win.  HSM itself isn’t overly bad, I mean, it is a musical about a high school musical and Zac Efron likes to sing through his nose and the actress who plays Gabriela does that glottal stop thing that irritates me to death, but the tunes are catchy and there are some fun moments.  But I’ve noticed that even if bad things do happen in a Disney flick, like someone dies, now it feels overly contrived, whereas before it seemed like part of the story.

Perhaps this is what happens when I go from watching Buffy (admission: am partially in love with Angel, much to my dismay.  Curse you, brooding men!!!  Hope to be in love with Spike soon, because he’s just so bad.) and Fast and the Furious to kids’ movies.  …….  Or maybe not.  I don’t remember the cartoons I grew up with constantly pushing a message at me, albeit usually positive message.   I wonder what Walt would say.  Especially at the ridiculous number of sequels that keep coming out.  Blegh!  I think I may need some Pitch Black or 10 Things I Hate About You to cleanse my palate.  Except I have to go, cause I’m about to be late for church!

Caught: or, in a word, Freedom

It’s been about a month now since I disconnected this blog from my Ravelry account due to an unforeseen….. okay, foreseen and dreaded occurrence: I was tracked down by someone from church.  I always thought that if someone found me it would be Mel, but instead it was my pastor’s daughter, a woman who, along with several other women like her of my acquaintance, remind me of the friendships I should have been building for the last ten years, the kind of friends I’ve wanted to have.  She was very kind (hi, if you’ve found me again!!) and understanding about me not necessarily wanting this to be a blog attached to my “real life” but the whole thing absolutely panicked me and I disconnected the blog from the Rav account, since I now know for sure how terribly easy it is for the “wrong” people to find it.

I don’t want Joel to find it because, even after our talk, the specter of his unwanted pity looms before me.  And because I don’t want him to know how much I still love him.

I don’t want Mel to find it because, well, I’m intentionally trying to cut her out of my life (gah!  That sounds horrible when put that bluntly and with no modifying explanation!!) and because there are some things I just don’t want her to know, or that I don’t want to discuss with her.  Like Joel.

I don’t want other people to find out about all the doubts and fears and hypocrisies I have lurking in my mind and heart.  Trying to explain to my pastor why I feel like my relationship with God is non-existent right now isn’t exactly my idea of fun, although, I’ve often fantasized about doing just that.

The most depressing thing about being discovered and feeling like I had to disconnect the two entities is that this blog, through Ravelry, was how I was hoping to open up my world a little, maybe have a reason to explore different aspects of my life and writing with a different audience who wasn’t so prone to agreeing with me.  And who wasn’t going to worry just because I’m still hashing through the whole Joel thing.  I think I’m the only who visits my blog now.  I know there were about 25 people who linked from Rav (and saw my pretentious, idiotic Vitals page.  Agh!  Seriously, part of the reason I don’t write much is because I can’t stand the sound of my own words, even as I try to bend them to my will.) and now…. *types, then erases sentence*  I’m heading into melancholy self-pity, which is never attractive, either to myself or other people.    I will have to decide to embrace this blog for what it originally was in my head, long before I ever created it: a place for me to “say” the things that I don’t say, either in conversation or letter or even in my journal.  This place that doesn’t even actually exist………… is my freedom.

Post Secret

www.postsecret.com

I want to send in my own secrets.  Things like:

I look him up on Facebook even though I don’t have an account, just so I can see who is in his profile picture with him.

I don’t talk about God with people because I’m still angry with Him.

I’m afraid to find a new job because I know that I’d start goofing off.  And because I’m afraid of failing.

I started reading romance novels again.

I have no respect for my manager and wish he would get fired.

I go to my ex-employer’s “Who To Contact” page to gloat about who they haven’t replaced and who they’ve lost.

I try not to think about Mexico because I miss it so much and because it hurts to remember who I used to be.

I don’t ever want to become my mother but I’m jealous of the life she has.

I know your husband is flirting with me but I’m not sure how to handle it.

I’m absolutely terrified that this is how I’m going to live the rest of my life, alone and afraid of everything.

I want to write for a living but I don’t have the self-control or discipline to do it.

I don’t want to be her friend.  I don’t really care about the “hard time” she’s going through.  If I’d known what our relationship was going to become, I would never have started being friends.

People think they know me, but no one really knows me anymore.  I’m always hiding something.