Really did not see this one coming. If you had asked me last year where I would today, this would not in a million years have been my answer. But it’s happening, and I’m terrified and giddy and so very, very much hoping that this is it, because, for the first time, I’m not thinking “but what if I meet someone better?”
I’ve been sitting here in my bed (because it is getting cold but we don’t want to turn the heat on yet) thinking. I feel a compulsion to write, but the muse is not giving the topic. I want to talk about Kris, but then again, I don’t, because relationship stuff is quite honestly boring to anyone not Together at the moment. Although, I have had some interesting insights into how much Hollywood/popular culture has played into me becoming a little weird about relationships… but that’s beside the point.
I want to talk about work, but I would be whiny, and I’m tired of being whiny about work. I want to talk about what I’ve been accomplishing, but that would be a list about a word long. I want to talk about my plans for the future, but I don’t really have many at this point (unless they relate to the first paragraph, and at that my plans are fairly short-term).
I’m so much less stressed than when I was in Medford (buh-bye, hideously wracking cough), but I think my inability to deal with the stress I do have is disconnecting me from my life. Oh, January drive, where have you gone!! Impetus for change, why did you abandon me…. after major changes……. Okay, that particular lament is no longer entirely relevant. But still! Drive! Motivation!!! Willpower!!!!!
Eh. Tomorrow is another day!
I haven’t been posting lately because, really, it would be whining about work and angsting about Kris. And I’m trying to keep the negative thoughts away, but…… the words need to go somewhere, I would prefer that not be my subconscious, and I love lists. To that end:
- I am placing all of my neuroses about being abandoned on him, and he’s a perfectly nice guy. With some baggage, admittedly.
- I’m terrified that his ex will go through rehab, get clean, and he’ll decide he wants her more than he wants me.
- I’m afraid that we’re going to get too physical too quickly and it’ll blow up in my face.
- I’m afraid I’m going to screw this all up.
- I don’t want to invest myself emotionally and then not be enough.
- And then I worry that I’m “too much” and he won’t want to have to deal with me.
- I’m afraid that I’ll be “needy” and not even realize it.
- I’m so scared he’s going to leave me like all of the others have, even the one who swore he loved me.
- I am an ever-loving nutcase.
Since I know the power of words, however, I am capping this with the positive end of things:
- He really seems to like me. Me!!!
- He respects the fact that I don’t want to just rush headlong into an intensely physical relationship, even though my hormones appear to have melted my brain.
- He’s a very good dad.
- Mom met him tonight and seems to approve.
- For the first time in possibly ever, I can see this working without having to make up weird fixes for things that can’t really be smoothed over.
- He is a wonderful cook.
- He accepts and appreciates my geekiness!
I noticed that the leaves at the very top of some of the trees here are beginning to change. I haven’t noticed a change in the weather yet, but the quality of the light is beginning to shift. That being said, autumn obviously can’t be coming, because I have not yet managed to finish my Quincy. And Eli’s newest sweater isn’t finished. Or Cid’s. So, no fall yet. Also, didn’t I just move here? I mean, don’t I still have an entire summer before me in which to adventure??? I have neither danced nor yogaed.
I have, however, hiked. On a date, with a nice guy. Who I also kissed. Whiiiiiiiich is still kinda rocking my boat. Freaking out has commenced, and he’s been pretty cool about it. Whoa, 10:30 just completely sneaked up on me! Bedtime for the old lady!
WHINING WARNING: Please do not read further if you do not wish to deal with angsty whining as of a lovesick mosquito.
So, the other day I was reading through my older posts and….. good golly Miss Molly, why one earth does anyone allow me to date??? I mean, HORMONES!!! EVERYWHERE!!!!!
This, THIS is why I am afraid to get close to a guy: my brain falling out and me losing any trace of common sense that I once had. Let’s recap, shall we?
1. Joel – seven years younger. Emo drama music boy. Idiot move.
2. Kyle – I’d say “let’s check some of the previous posts,” but really, let’s not. Because when your good friend is saying “he’s a complete jerk,” you should not be saying “oh, but he could be such a good guy with the right woman.” Still like Kyle, but forever grateful that he wouldn’t date me because I wouldn’t put out.
3. Dan – get a clue, self. Or, here’s an idea, use some of that pattern recognition that keeps getting into trouble at work! What? You can’t hear me over the hormones? Huh. How about over the sound of silence on the weekends and in the evenings until after 7? Can you hear me then?? No. Huh.
Also, let’s not ignore the fact that I can become completely irrational when I’m “in a relationship” (English needs to come up with a better word for this, like how Persian has a word specifically for a camel that does not give milk until her nostrils have been tickled. We need a better word.).
I like this guy. He seems like a good guy. He loves his daughter, he doesn’t drink to consistent excess (or much at all), his ex is only somewhat likely to run me over with his car, he didn’t freak out when I kinda loss my ability for cohesive speech while trying to explain my dudes-only-talk-to-me-because-of-my-rack fear, he’s smart, and I don’t have to worry that he’s going to think I’m a weirdo (can I just say how completely awesome that is??? IT IS AWESOME!!!!). And, on a purely shallow level, he reminds of the men from “Seven Brides For Seven Brothers,” which is no kind of problem at all. However, I am also aware that I don’t know that I would ever encourage a guy to date me and I don’t know that he deserves to get stuck with me. …………….. Screw it, I’m going to bed. Again, this is what I get for blogging later at night. Forgive me, gentle readers!!!
- I have the internet! So far, it has resulted in excessive viewing of Netflix, and surfing Pinterest when I should be going to bed.
- I live four blocks away from work and I walk every day, then take the three flights of stairs to get to my cubicle. I’m still gasping when I get to the top. Also, I think the squirrels are plotting.
- I’m going rowing tomorrow, for the first time in my life! I survived the swim test, which involved treading water for fifteen minutes. I was very proud.
- Yesterday I went on a date with a very nice man. I’m freaking terrified! I would recap the last several disasters, but, you know, they’re pitiful. And I like this guy, so positive thoughts.
- Fortunately, I’m so busy freaking out about the fact the I am my mother that I can’t pay too much attention to ruining a new relationship, so maybe this one will make it off the ground.
- I feel like my brain is no longer functioning correctly and I’m always tired.
- I AM actually enjoying my life, especially living with my cousin again, which means that the general feelings of exhaustion and malaise are a problem. Stupid chemicals and hormones!!!
- I have twenty packing boxes in my room. I don’t want to talk about it.
- Despite the fact that I keep trying to panic, I’ve made the right decision. The trick is to make this a series of right decisions, rather than an aberration. Yoga, anyone?
Hey! Hi! How’s it going?! So, yeah, you know, life, it’s been happening. I’ve done the moving, the job starting, the coworker learning, the apartment finding, the allergy battling, the weight gaining, the bakery finding, and now the nephew meeting. Which is why I’m able to post. Because, apparently, my computer hates the router my cousin uses where I’ve been living for the last month, but is all snuggly with the one my brother has. Weird.
To be honest, being disconnected for a while (especially from Facebook. Surfing via phone is nowhere near as easy, which makes weaning oneself off a lot easier.) has probably been a good thing, although it did make apartment hunting and bridal-shower-invitation-finding a little more difficult, since all had to be done at work, on a shortened lunch break. The slightly longer than normal absences may continue for a bit, as Nan-chan and I have not yet figured out which internet connection we want to get in the apartment, and blogging from work seems to be a bad kind of plan. I may start doing more picture-based posts, since those are a little easier from ye olde smartphone, but no promises. Anyway, it is my hope that everyone is having a good summer/winter (you know, hemispheres and all that jazz)!