I just don’t want to go to work on Mondays…
Reasons that Mondays have become more difficult
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Chapter
It feels, very much, as though a chapter is closing in my life. An odd thought, really, considering it’s been over a year since I moved here, and over a year that I’ve been with Kris. Perhaps it is because Joel’s grandfather died this weekend, and that was the third thing that “God told” him was going to happen eight years ago, the other two being that his parents were going to move to Medford and that we were going to break up.
I’m feeling incredibly ambivalent about the idea of going to the funeral. I realized that part of it is because I want my time in Medford to be my time. Now that I think about it, I wonder if that’s part of the reason why I haven’t gone home more than twice in a year. Maybe there are remaining threads of perceived responsibility hanging around. I think another part is the last lingering bit of anger I just can’t seem to let go, which is stupid.
It feels as though the ties to my old life are slipping away, disappearing without notice. But I think that may be how it should be…
Quick thoughts revisited
- Allergies continue to suck. Must this be a yearly thing??
- Today is the one year anniversary of my job in Salem and the one year and one day anniversary of my arrival in the Willamette Valley.
- I am actually looking at activities to pretty up my resume. Weird, huh?
- If I had realized the mare’s nest I was getting into with my current job, I would have waited for the next one.
- Given that I don’t know how long I would have had to wait, and how that could have led to me not meeting Kris, I’m glad I didn’t know.
- I’m still tired.
- I think I need a five year plan. Then I need to stick to it.
- Living close enough to work to walk is a good thing when your boyfriend lives 45 minutes away and you like to visit him, although it does negate the projected fuel costs.
- Two year-olds are fascinating!
- The flowers in this part of the state are amazing, but the allergies….. oh, the allergies!!!!
- I never would have imagined the life I have right now….
Crystalizing
I do not enjoy my current job enough, am not invested enough, do not believe strongly enough in its worth, to put up with the childish, petty, vindictive behavior of some coworkers. For some, this is a “duh” statement, but for me, it’s a pretty big step. I’ve been raised to be highly pragmatic when it comes to work: money is needed, work must be done, regardless of what it is. But I don’t know that I want to spend the rest of my life wrestling the idiot coworkers just to have money. I don’t know that it’s worth it to never be excited to go to work. If The Coven weren’t there and I got to work with the people I liked without the constant negativity, I could perhaps continue in this job. But as it is, with behavior constantly descending to junior high levels, I am reconsidering dreams that I had set aside.
Greetings from South America
There are times when I am completely amazed at the places I wind up in life. At this very moment, I am sitting on the floor of a hotel room in Santiago, Chile, re-packing everything to go home this evening. I’ve spent the last two weeks away from the winter craziness happening back home, seven days of that time being in the small town of Chimbarongo for my church’s Campmeeting there.
To be honest, I don’t know if I can go back as a church-sanctioned Campmeeting representative. The people are wonderful, loving, kind and beautiful, but I was ready to smother the U.S. pastor with a pillow by the time we got home most evenings, even though I like him as a person. However, everything else about the trip has been incredible! Chile is such a fascinating place, and if I have the chance to come back and be a tourist again, you can bet your boots I will!!
Snowpocalypse West 2014
I, um, seem to have missed it…
Oh hai!
Sorry for the disappearance, but about two weeks ago I suddenly realized that I am leaving for Chile next Monday and will be gone about two and a half weeks. Thus ensued a mad burst of list-making, which has coalesced into sporadic bursts of frenetic activity, this evening being an example. New shoes and a couple of outfits for Campmeeting in the summer while being a good, conservative example of a church girl, and now I am exhausted.
I know that I am going to have a wonderful time and that this is going to be an amazing experience, but as the day of departure draws ever nearer, my reluctance to be gone for two and a half weeks grows stronger. Because I made this plan when there wasn’t anybody that I would really miss if I were gone that long, and now there are two somebodies, and I am going to miss them a lot.
I am consoling myself with the fact that it is summertime in Chile, and the days are currently fourteen hours long. And, boy howdy, do I need the daylight and the sunshine (albeit tempered by sunscreen, curse you, birth control). To be honest, it is the thought of leaving and going someplace bright that is getting me through my leadworker’s control-hungry incompetence of the last couple of weeks. I’m not yet coughing, but I definitely don’t like coming to work.
Anyway, yes, sunlight. And commentary about relationships and separation and did I mention that I will probably have spotty wi-fi for the first week only, at best? And the money thing, where I probably won’t be able to use my credit card much, if at all? And that I am taking my violin, one of my very most prized possessions?
On, adventure! Forth, experiences! Hark, determination!
Light box
I have ordered one and it should be here Friday. I need it. Somewhat desperately. I am tired, grouchy, sluggish, and just about to go out of my freakin’ mind with the gray and dark!!! This probably wouldn’t be such a problem if I worked closer to a window or managed to get outside every day, but neither of these is the case. I’m hoping that getting a light box will help me jump-start some of the midwinter changes I need to be making so I don’t go mad. So, list time – things I would like to start doing:
- Get up and spend 30 minutes with my light
- Eat oatmeal for breakfast (doctored, delicious oatmeal)
- Do my darn knee exercises!!
- Re-introduce greenery into my diet
I realize that looking at my posts from last year and then evaluating what I have gotten done, it would be really easy to say that I’ve failed at what I set out to do. However, from my perspective, the fact that I set any kind of goals, and then managed to accomplish any part of them, is a really big deal. And even more important, I am now going back and starting again, rather than just throwing my hands up in despair. So it’s winter. So I’m tired and grouchy and it sucks. I ordered a light box, and it should be here on Friday.
Forever
I think I would be fine getting to keep them that long. Even though she is currently in the biting stage. Perhaps forever and a day…
My evening (as imagined by me)
My imaginary Sunday was lovely. I cleaned up the little pockets of clutter that have accumulated and opened up the apartment for a little bit to let it air out while the sun was shining. After a walk with Roomie, I made a pot of tea and a wonderfully tasty and healthy lunch, which I nibbled at while sitting in the world’s most comfortable armchair and reading. Kris & Co. came over and, since my house is totally childproofed, the mighty P played happily while Kris and I sat cuddled on the couch having meaningful conversation with Roomie.
1. My imaginary life is, by many peoples’ standards, boring.
2. This was not precisely how my Sunday went. Sorta close, but differing on several key points.
3. I am perfectly fine with my life being boring (you know, minus the parts where I am having travel-type adventures.
Once again, at dinner tonight for my cousin’s 18th birthday, it was brought home just how content I am/would be with a quiet, low-key existence. Books, tea, good lighting, blankets, knitting, my farm, honest labor, you get the idea. This has been bothering me a bit since New Year’s, when I heard more about Kris’s somewhat wild youth. But, as a year ago, I think I am fine with it. I am fine with having traded the life experiences I hear people talking about for the ones I had. I would rather have goofy Campmeeting stories than the ones where I passed out on someone’s lawn or puked on someone’s shoes. And if this makes me dull and boring, so be it. (Also, I’m suffering from my typical Sunday malaise. And a general overall angst that I can’t quite pinpoint, although it may be stemming from the aunt drama and crazy drunken ex drama and what-am-I-doing-with-my-life not-quite-drama…)
Call Me Not Naomi 